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To be clear I am nowhere near going back home

Haven't posted in a while, lots have happened:

- Kept working at Rockstar lol, which I love it's such a good company, in terms of both policies and people

- I met Sandy! my girlfriend. She's amazing truly I can't express it enough, it is a blessing to have her. I could talk about her for hours...

- My parents came to visit! I needed it honestly, what a great summer I had, went to NYC and Disney world!

- Moved into a new apartment with Samer my roommate, in Revere, I love Revere.

- That's it...?

yea, and even though every aspect of my life is going great, I still feel this relentless pain of homesickness, even regardless of my blooming social life which I love, people here are great.

I used to think of homesickness as a feeling that is rather corporal/emotional in nature. ie: missing my family, the food, the places.

But I realize now that it extends beyond it to a moral level.

I feel morally alone, I feel like the values I was raised in, were almost exclusive to the place i come from. And if i think about it right now, the main thing that makes me feel alone and sad is seeing that the flow of (moral) life here goes against what i am used to.

 

My moral homesickness problem has two levels:

1. The US isn't helping:

  The only ideals I see that are promoted are aimed toward being greedy and narcissistic.

  The only morals I see that are promoted are aimed toward surrendering and (almost delusional) gratefulness.

  The only "social issues" I see are either caused by barbaric idiots, or seem fabricated to distract the masses (both most often times).

  The idea of fighting for a better place is absent in the general hive mind, and I can't take it, being the adolescent rebel that I am lol.

2. I'm struggling to adapt:

  I grew up with ideals of mutual aid and brotherhood, ideals of love.

  I grew up with morals that were very Christian in nature though I'm an agnostic atheist. morals of love.

  I grew up facing real social issues, issues worth fighting for, issues worth being mad for, real issues.

 

It's worse than I thought, my beliefs are so alien to people here that they don't seem to even know what I'm talking about.

They don't understand the weight behind the word love. 

They think I'm advocating for backward thinking when I say Christian.

They don't understand the difference between fake and real issues.

I don't expect them to understand the weight of any of what I said above.

We were raised with so much love that people here don't know that they can't imagine where I'm coming from

I am morally and ideally homesick

 

I formed most of my moral/ideal compass while going to Harake (ask Jeremy what Harake is).

Thinking back to the immensity of the values ​​​​that were offered to us, the immensity of the love that was given to us,

I stand feeling helpless in this love-barren place, and begging that I may live in a similar environment again, and that I may be given the chance to give back and perpetuate love in its purest form, the love that you the reader probably don't know you can experience. Love that barely makes sense.

 

Lol pretty sad post I know but I got inspired, It's been cooking for a while. And before you tell me it's not all black and white, I know, but sometimes the contrast is too strong to give importance to the shades of gray. I also haven't made up my mind about life here, I'll happily change my mind when given the chance.